Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How to make a millenial laugh: tell them you have only 22 photos of your entire childhood.

   Not sure who will be performing at the Super Bowl half-time this season but I am already furious about it

   Apologies to all you millennials -- the Disney Channel never prepared you for all this.

   Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.

   There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.

   If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.

   You ever read a girl status and wished someone would just treat her right so she'd just stfu

   When I was younger I used to sneak out Of my home to go to parties, now I sneak away from parties to go home.

   With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.

   Pro tip: Fill the piñata with ketchup and you never have to host a children’s birthday party again. You’re welcome

   Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to a 7 yr old silently standing in the bed over me at 5AM

   Instead of buying a mass produced pumpkin at the store, this year my family will adopt one from a shelter

   English teachers on Facebook must feel the same hopelessness as dentists do when they're at a candy shop

   75% of men kiss their wives good bye when leaving the house. 100% kiss their house good bye when leaving their wives.

   The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line

   Girlfriend: Mick, I'm miserable in our relationship. Me: FOR REAL? Girlfriend: Yes. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I've lost 10 lbs. Me: So you're saying it's over? Girlfriend: Well, not yet. I wanna lose 15.

   I love dieting I'm actually on 4 diets: Chinese, American, Italian and Mexican.

   The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.

   Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He's obviously an undercover cop.

   Just remember son -- when you text a girl, you are also texting at least 5 of her friends.