Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I'm not gonna shower tonight I'm gonna at least baby wipe my hole and baby powder my balls. Same diff

   (̅_̅_̅_̅(̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅̅_̅()ڪے~ ~ Smoking Kills! So why don't you have another.

   Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?

   Enough with the school closings due to the cold weather. Our kids need an education. Just open the damn schools.

   "Get in da bowl"....."YOU get in da bowl."

   A man was arrested after he broke into a sex shop & used a blow-up doll. He was chrgd with breaking & entering & entering.

   Way to sully the Forever 27 club Amy Winehouse. I hope Kurt, Jimmy, and Jim Morrison run train on your skanky ass

   Daughter - IPod. Son - IPhone. Mom - iPad. Dad - I Pay.-_-

   got his girlfriend pregnant .gotcha b!tch :)

   Anyone who thinks Donald Trump represents God has a very low opinion of God.

   “Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.

   I make jokes about being out of shape because it's soooo much easier than going to the gym.

   If I could be anything in the world I would want to be a teardrop because I would be born in your eyes, live on your cheeks, and die on your lips.

   Good thing Obama cancelled the joint military exercise with Egypt next month. I'm sure that will teach the Egyptian army a lesson!

   The rest of the world loves soccer. Surely we must be missing something. Uh, isn't that what the Russians told us about communism? Soccer blows.

   All I want for Christmas is for my wife to swallow my egg nog one time!

   Hello world

   Party at my house on July 4th., just bring the beer, meat and veggies. I got the plates.

   Why is it said that an alarm clock is going off when really it's coming on?

   My brother-in-law likes to brag how he always eats right, exercises, doesn't smoke or drink, sees his doctor every year for a checkup etc. I told him that someday he is going to look awful stupid lying in a hospital dying from nothing.