Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you’re having a bad day go ask a two-year-old to say Sasquatch

   Born again? Why? Was the first time really that bad?

   Crabs can't eat hotdogs because they just keep cutting them into tinier and tinier hotdogs.

   Mrs Schwarzenegger say to her housekeeper, "oh Patricia,I suspect my husband is having an affair with his secretary" Patricia replies, "No ma, you saying that just to make me feel jealous"

   "I'm a Flirt In A Skirt, A Tease If Past My Knees & A Slut If Past My Butt"

   Nike is coming out with a new Lebron ringtone app for I-phone.....the only problem is it dont have any RINGS!!!!

   RT @ebertchicago Friends don't let jackasses drink and drive

   mans evolution is from monkey to a man. But governments evolution is from man to a monkey. Both sad and funny

   Canadian Bacon? why don't they just call it HAM. silly canadians

   Pleas turn your mobile phone upside down now!!! Hurry 370HSSV 0773H

   I had phone sex last night. Had to get the morning after bill.

   I wish all gingers would just dye.

   It's never acceptable to hit a woman, unless that trick puts light mayo in your sandwich.

   Now we know why Trump wants nuts on flushing the toilets 10, 11, 12 times. He was stuffing the toilets with top secret documents.

   not only is band not a sport, it's just stupid. honestly. I want to watch football not freaks dressed up in some of the gayest costumes ever prance around the field

   Did you hear about the blind man who was walking down the street and as he passed the fish market he tipped his hat and said, "Good evening ladies.

   Tommorow I am going to finish every conversation with "ACCORDING TO THE PROPHECIES"

   thinks she is FIT! And yes, she is definitely unpretentious!

   loves it when his wife butters his toast.

   As if weighing 400 pounds didn't call enough attention to yourself,