Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   auditioned to be the 5th Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but sadly, is too old.

   thinks the C.E.O. of B.P. should go to J.A.I.L.

   My girlfriend wants something for Christmas that goes 0-200 in 3 seconds...So I think I will get her a scale.

   Gas prices are about $4.95 a gallon and females still think a guy is coming over to just "Chill"

   Americans think that the word Morons applies to them? C'mon guys don't think that about yourselves... That's for the rest of the world to do.

   considers obese people to be dyslexic anorexic

   There is a special place on earth for people who recognize that religion is bulls hit.

   Wanted to 69 with a hottie in Canada, but I couldn't figure it out with the exchange rate and metric system. So instead I've been jerking off while yelling "USA, USA!!" in the business district in Montreal instead.

   Eating an apple a day for an entire year can make you turn into an iPhone.

   woke up in the morning feeling like P Diddy

   My invisible make believe deity can beat up your invisible make believe deity

   Dislikes the "Green Earth" placards in the hotel bathrooms. Hang up the towel, you save the earth from extinction....leave a towel on the floor....a panda dies !

   Why do restaurants even offer Large drinks when your dining in..? Of course i'm not gonna pay an extra 90 cents for a large drink when I can just get refills on the smallest cup you guys have. Work on that.

   For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

   I broke wind in front of an elderly customer today. She didn't think it was funny as I did.

   Kiss me I'm not Irish

   One thing's for sure. The residence in Texas now believes in global warming.

   Irresponsible is when your neighbor doesn't pay their wifi bill.

   My only form of communication today is shaking my head.

   If I have to wear a mask to protect your health, I’m gonna slap that McDonald’s outta your hands too.