Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   SO! My Dr tells me I have to take medication. Why? To stop you from slapping people who should be on medication. Hmmmm!

   Scientists have now confirmed that aliens do exist and in fact could be living next door to you as humans. So I shot the hot woman who just moved in next door 'cause her ass was definitely outta this world.

   Sex so good she wakes up from her coma

   On a scale of Feebie from Friends to Samantha from sex and the city…just how crazy are you?

   Everytime I see someone post those "5 beautiful selfies" thing I comment with "Apparently you missed the whole "beautiful" part. Because I'm rather sick of the whole concept.

   There is a special place in Hell for people that pass memes off as their own

   Cop: Sir, do you know why I pulled you over? Me: No, Officer. I thought sure that you would know.

   Praying that Jennifer Lawrence's hacker did not find my secret selfies...

   I live my life with no regrets. I apologize for nothing. I'm sorry but that's just the way it is!"

   So, who wants to play go F#ck yourself. Oh my sarcasm never ceases to amaze me. . .

   A plunger, but for feelings.

   White privilege is being able to look at Ferguson and say "I should get off the Internet"

   Lead me not into temptation. I can find it on my own.

   I only advocate hemosexual lesbians. You know ladies what I'm saying.

   Sweet! McDonalds must be still celebrating St. Patricks day today by dyeing there hamburger meat green! Oh wait....

   Advantage #46 of being single. I have entire closets that are completely empty.

   I give my number to this hot sexy as@ bi#ch.. She said I will call you when I get home, I think that bit$h homeless..

   some women wud rather stay in a bad relationship because starting over and not being able to fart around the new guy sucks.

   Wow, Lil Wayne's now on Paris Hilton's new song. Those tear drop tattoos should be real tears, Weezy.

   When you're ugly and you hear attractive people call themselves ugly and your self esteem goes down by 14564%