Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There is a fine line between being a nice guy and being a little b*tch."

   If so many things taste like chicken...what does chicken taste like???

   I ain't cheap. I am just broke.

   Does anyone else notice that if you mention the clown HEre they try to bury it?

   Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget

   A woman asked if I'd like a cherry cordial. I high fived myself and said, "Finally! A virgin!" Turned out she was only offering me candy.

   Why should I trust the toothpaste recommended by 4 out of 5 dentists when they're the ones who make money fixing people's teeth?

   Find the man strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn't care if it's on your legs.

   My girlfriend told me she wanted me to choke her during sex, I asked her; whats wrong with during dinner?

   I have to go shopping. I got run over by a steam roller yesterday and need to get me a pair of size 200 x 14 pants.

   The earliest bird gets the worm, and the second mouse gets the cheese

   I'll never understand when someone says that they hate to drink water. To me, that's like saying you hate breathing. "Hey, uh, would you happen to have something to breathe other than air?"

   Some girls be claiming "hes my world" but this is your fourth "world" in 2 months. My sister, are you building a solar system??

   I'm not saying all Uber drivers are bad drivers, but 100% of Uber drivers are bad drivers

   I was told the clocks go back this weekend, but I can't remember where I bought them...

   There was kidnapping at our local school today. The teacher woke him up and told him not to do it again.

   it just me, or do all the Trumps grin like Cheshire Cats because of their oversized veneers?

   Please leave these cops alone. Killing humans is addictive af, especially when you are protected by the law.

   AwesoME ends with ME and Ugly starts with U.

   R. Riley is so fat and over-weight, Thanos has to snap twice.