Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Getting in an argument with women is like being arrested because anything you say can and will be used against you.

   Most of us will spend part of our life having Larry King for a stepfather.

   I don't like to use my gun unless it's an accident.

   Really tired of resting the whole day.

   Optimists can see the world the way it can become. So, pessimists will never change the world, only optimists can.

   thinks if you do not have enough regret in your life, try shaving your head while living in Western PA.

   no prison can hold him, but a lot of prisoners will.

   My back just cracked to the beat of "The Rhythm is Gonna Get You". It finally got me...

   proposes that if someone pokes you, you should have the option to kick them in the groin or at least in the shins. Let's make this as real as possible.

   So what I have observed is that the Michelin tire guy pretty much pulls tires out of his rolls of fat and throws them at his enemies. Wierd.

   I tried the "Hokey Pokey" put my left foot in; took my left foot out... Mofo still won't shut up. Ain't that what it's all about?

   Facebook has Peter Principled. It has risen to its own level of incompetence. The cracks are in the foundation. It's doomed. Remember MySpace? Come to think of it. Neither do I.

   The next time I go ice skating, I'm slamming someone against a wall and yelling, "Go Ducks!!"

   You're dead until you prove otherwise.

   the friend of a friend everyone talks about!

   Listen, gorgeous... I love you so much I would suck out the venom if a poisonous snake bit you on the ass. But, I'm sorry, I won't swallow.

   The only time to diet is while you're waiting for the steak to cook.

   I wonder if a Jedi can do a Jedi mind trick on himself to over-come a phobia.

   I need me a stress ball, because apparently squeezing people's hands isn't classed as good customer service.

   Some feelings are hard to express, you just feel them.