Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I ordered 2 pizzas from Dominoes. The order taker was not amused when I asked her for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Total.

   It wasn't until it came home with tattoos and a carton of cigarettes that I realized how bad the milk in my fridge had truly gone.

   Marty McFly had horrible parents. Sure teenage son, hang around with the weirdo scientist who lives alone and drives a windowless truck.

   Show your partner you're committed to a long term relationship by not supporting them in what they do.

   Bet the guy who invented hieroglyphics was high at the time.

   Teens spend 72% of their time on their phones and 28% of their time on other people's phones.

   I don't blame the US Olympic swimmers. Every time I vandalize a gas station bathroom, I always use the "I was robbed by a Brazilian" excuse.

   Life Update: There are more empty Slurpee cups in my apartment than books.

   Thank you myfitnesspal for helping me track my calorie intake. Apparently I'm eating enough every day to keep three people alive.

   Weed is for people who cant afford cocaine.

   I watched the1980's Karate Kid. I waxed the old man's car, sanded the floor, painted the fence and house. I'm still got my butt kicked because Hollywood lies.

   You made me think of "Hotel California," prepare to die.

   Call your man "Boyoncé" today so he feels empowered.

   Does anybody out there know the co-ordinates of all of the Nudist Colonies on earth? Or at least a few?

   I'm sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your birthday.

   October is the month you affirm your socioeconomic status by going to a dirty farm.

   Candy corn is just regular corn that has daddy issues, smokes Marlboros, and has a kid out of wedlock with a guy named Bo.

   I'm too smart to be happy.

   Spoiler alert. It's sour cream

   I asked my Alexa if she had any pets? who replied "I don’t have any pets. I used to have a few bugs, but they kept getting squashed"