Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The DOW has drop to its lowest point of all time! Let's celebrate!

   Saw A Lady I have a crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ

   News just in: Hillary's private email server was located in a restroom. Clinton vows to get to the bottom of this.

   one thing I have learned from the latest 24 hour news cycle... You can limp wrist a Glock and it will still function

   If you're so damn smart, why aren't you rich?

   Burger King!.... because every place else is closed.

   Dear police: if you're going to racial profile, how about you check out the white boy dressed like he's in the matrix

   Anyone up for making some "debris", throwing it into the Gulf of Mexico after midnight, and saying that we found the missing plane? #AprilFoolsJoke

   Hello passengers, this is your pilot speaking and it's going down. I'm yelling timber

   I pooped all over myself, can I NOW collect a Dallas Cowboys paycheck?

   "Hey Baby, My Magic watch says you don't have any underwear on" "Oh, You do?" "It must be 15 Minutes fast ' :)

   I stepped right out in front of a smart car just now. I wasn't scared. A collision with my ass would destroy that thing.

   Does it bother anyone else to see so many men excited about watching other men in tights??

   gf,, wants more romance,,Does anybody know where I can get a noble steed and an unrealistic amount of stamina?

   An Italian chick Linda Orsini, had a lesbi@n girlfriend named Jeannie. To her partner she said, "let's have pasta in bed", and they both enjoyed cunnilinguini.

   I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.

   apparently Conrad Murray wasn't a SMOOTH CRIMINAL like he though. now if he drops the soap he gets a THRILLER.

   You better watch out, you better not cry, better not pout, I'm telling you why: you're 11 years old and you have an iPhone, HELLO?!?!?!?

   I looked in the bathroom mirror this morning and saw my Dad looking back at me. We should stop taking baths together.

   the world is made of 2 types. Men and crazy people.