Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   On a cold night, to make a campfire, all you need is a match, kerosine, and a baby.

   Han Solo is killed by his son, Kylo Ren. Luke doesn't say anything and has 30 seconds of screentime. Kylo Ren survives the explosion at the end, leaving it set up for him to be the villain in the next movie.

   Sure, I've done bad things in my life. But not "going to hell" bad. More like "Jesus is going to make me his b*tch in heaven" bad.

   I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.

   Yes, us Atheist DO NOT believe in fairy tale characters from thousands of years ago. We let go of yesterday and live for today and tomorrow! We are not slaves to the past and its rules.

   "Two's company, three's...the musketeers!!!!!"

   walking away

   I just made Romney noodles Obama self : - /

   I’m an organ donor, but I’m pretty sure all they’re going to use is my liver for the “after” photos.

   Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet* Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*

   Trumps latest slogan...Make America Golf Again!

   I want to invent a product like prayer, an idea I sell people where no matter how much it fails and proves itself useless, they still think it's great and continue to use it!

   Life is about friends and family, nothing else matters. it all boils down to how you've impacted those in your circle. The sacrifices you make along the way will be your true legacy . LIVE, LOVE, LEARN.

   I'm sick of having 50 states so I combined some: Michconsin,

   When I get a headache,I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children,just like the bottle says LOL!

   ... And if you're taking your girlfriend out tonight, You better park the car well out of sight... Cause if they catch you in the back seat Trying to pick her locks, They're gonna send you back to mother In a cardboard box... You better run..."

   So.. No official pictures or videos, and they're claiming bin Laden was buried according to 'Islamic' traditions under the sea, cos no country was willing to accept his body for burial! Are you kidding me?? Not even Afghanistan?? This is by far the most f

   While having sex, a guy says to his wife "Honey, let's do a 68!" to which the wife asks, "68??? What's that?". So the husband replies "You do it to me and I'll owe you one."

   Santa is like a repair man, says he will be there between 12 and 4 and shows up at 5. What a jerk

   silence is golden but duck tape is silver