Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
You can always tell if she's one of my ex's...By the stretch marks around her mouth! 
My wife was banned from Disneyland for knocking Pinnochio down, sitting on his face and screaming "Lie to me!! Lie to me!"
when ur boss calls you while ur having surgery to ask a stupid f ucking question, he's clearly a J EW who's going to h ell
♫♪♫♪ Toora Loora Toora Loo-Rye-Aye ♪♪♫♫ Come on, Irene♫♪♪
I call bullsh*t on potholes! There's no weed in there, trust me, I checked.
Thinking to myself """"( why am I with her?....... O yeah, its the sex..."""")
When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness
It's never a good sign when you lift a girls skirt and find a fly strip dangling down.
Public Restrooms attract the weirdest people. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet.
DT once said we would get "tired of winning." Well he was half right..... we are tired.
The problem with the whole 'Tebow' thing is the prevalent Christian mentality that god has the time to help Tebow make a miraculous 80-yard touchdown, yet He can't be bothered to save innocent children who are dying of cancer, or are being murdered.,
ate so many M&Ms last night, you can see faint "M" outlines in my turds!
"if your a Vin Diesel fan, in all fairness you should not be reading his status. You should be home coloring."
...U.S. combat in Iraq officially over. I love Pres. Obama! He's the ONLY black guy I know who's kept his withdrawal promise!
if she was a boy then he would be gay
My friends are all putting pictures of their kids on their Christmas cards. I dont have kids so I might put a picture of money on mine.
the heebie da ba jeebies!
I call the toilet at work Mrs. Star Trek... because I just Shatner.
Women....... Can't live with them, can't get them to dress up in a Nazi uniform and spank you with a Bible.
Am sorry but that Progessive Insurance chick " DISCOUNT !!! " .... ya her! she pretty hot !! 