Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry, constantly quoting random bible scriptures isnt going to convince me. I could quote one the Twilight books and be just as profound. Twilight Eclipse, Chapter one verse three, "The."

   Whenever a bird craps on my car , I sit on my front porch and eat a plate of scrambled eggs just to let them know what I am capable of

   One candidate won't release their tax returns, received campaign donations from Russia, facing cases for rape and fraud, bragged by sexual assault. The other is scrutinized by their emails...

   you lazy folks will be happy.. free healthcare, free college, what more can a person want

   I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.

   Didn't know Paul Walker starred in the new "Catching Fire" movie..

   Two men walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have some H2O." The second one says, "I'll have some H2O too." Then he dies

   FOX News, because conservative's balls can't lick themselves.

   half price concert tickets in july in London...anyone?

   Well The Good News Is, I Came Out Of The Closet, The Bad News...I'm Gay.

   Ok Who Else Hates How Celebs become More Famous After death Example Chris Kanyon Gurrreo Britney murphey And MJ

   Mary had a little lamb the doctor fainted

   Attending my favorite kind of funeral.....Closed casket, Open bar

   Chris Brown must be making a new album, because he is going over his greatest hits with the judge tomorrow?

   "If the invisible man knocks on the door, tell him I can't see him at the moment."

   Anti-gay breakfast sandwhich.. mmm always taste better when its full of hate!

   Wow took Rubio 13sec into his speech before he attacked Prez Obama and his failed

   Nice BBQ. The bulls got cooked by extreme heat. Anyone want steak?

   boycotting shampoo and demanding real poo!

   Haters gon' hate, potatoes gon' potate.