Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you can't sleep, call your ex and harass them. They don't deserve to sleep either.

   When poverty comes in at the door, love flies out of the window.

   pɹɐʍʞɐ sᴉ sᴉɥ┴

   Auto correct can go straight to He'll. I sound like a ducking idiot....thanks auto correct

   You can save alot more than 15% on your car insurance, simply by pulling in to reverse and fleeing the scene.

   Burger King ripped off McD's with the Big King. Now they are ripping off Wataburger with the Twataburger.... it is a fish sandwich.

   my dyslexic neighbor keeps looking for his god

   You can't spell "housewife" without "ho."

   America, where mediocrity reigns supreme. How else do you explain "our" love affair with The Kardashians, Family Guy, and Dr. Oz?

   Lance Armstrong should keep his awards. Last time I rode a bike doped up, I ran into a parked zebra.

   I heard that Kim Kardashian is looking forward to celebrating Yeezus' birthday today.

   one thing's for sure, all those people that always bash atheists won't even bother going to church today

   He north, stfu about the cold! You never hear the south complain about the hea.....nvm carry on

   Some days for me it's like I start off making an omelette but in the end it all ends up scrambled eggs......

   If on Superbowl Sunday, The Broncos win,, I'll shave my chest hair and glue it to the top of my head,,, If they don't, I'll wait till the day after.

   When you play Seattle, you play the whole state!

   Seeking a naughty Valentine, private message me for details lol...

   "I understand your logic, but let's try to look at this more emotionally." - men

   There'll be parties for hosting, marshmallows for toasting, and Sally out in the snow. Come on, guys, let Sally back inside.

   Just been accused of being condescending , that's where you talk down to people.