Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you cook an egg, won't it kill the salmonella

   May you have the gladness of Christmas which is hope; The spirit of Christmas which is peace; The heart of Christmas which is love.

   Since the snow stopped i've been skiing to work :-)

   I hate it when people say "listen" before telling you something.

   Surely he's not dead! He is. And stop calling me Shirley. R.I.P. Leslie Neilsen.

   Went downtown today and instead of trick or treating I saw some women offering trick and Gonorrea for 10 bucks.

   looking through your bedroom window

   I'm not really concerned about swine flu. > Here's my concern. > > 3 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the cow . . . Mad Cow disease. > 2 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the bird . . . Avian flu. > This year, Chinese calendar year of

   Looking for the six-fingered man!

   Why do you have to put "your two cents in..." but its only "a penny for your thoughts"? Where is that extra penny going to???

   went into my local store and I saw that they had put up a big sign saying, "NO READING IN THIS SHOP",I grabbed 4 bars of chocolate, took them to the counter and said, "Which of these is the Dairymilk?"

   psychiatrist said I need to vent my anger... so I broke her nose and burnt down her practice

   loves big ( @ )Y( @ ) and small (.)y(.) chesticles.

   boy you couldnt pour piss out of a boot if the instructions was on the heel!!!

   The tip of the day: Never take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night!

   It's been observed that criminals who steal Viagra will face stiff penalties.

   if you belive in yourself, you can do anything... if you belive that.. your oficialy a retard

   Mow let me get this straight ------------~ Damn!! So close!!!

   My local newspaper is now publishing online. I'm potty training my puppy and he's already ruined three computers.

   look all he said was is "im hungry" and generously responded "well, I have something for you to eat".