Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if at first you don't succeed, what makes you think doing it again with make any difference?

   I be the same people that brag about how nice and warm it is where they are right now are the same people that were spoiled brats when they were kids.

   ....if you watch too much TV and become fat as a result, does that make you a TeleTubby?

   FB is soo useful always reminds you of birthdays and anniversaries, Never forget your wifes birthday...

   at a BP gas station pumping gas.. somebody got to support SMALL businesses!

   its very sad Adriana Xenides has died and I'm not even going to make a joke about it. That would be in_p_o_ri_te

   Blind people must get stuck in bad relationships because they can't see other people.

   Rest in Peace Jimmy Dean. . . Your sausage will never be the same... ( I am not sure I like the sounds of this post after typing it ) Admit it.. You ALL LOVE HIS SAUSAGE!

   why the hell are all the hot guys tall, dark and obnoxious?????? :(

   never meddles in the affairs of dragons, for he is crunchy and good with ketchup

   Good news. Jesus has risen. Bad news. He will need to be quarantined for 14 days

   (after getting stabbed by a mugger) I blame both sides for this. #trumpLogic

   Happy earth day, earth. Sorry we're destroying your ass.

   Now that Scott Pruitt is gone, I fully expect the new E.P.A. Chief to eventually admit that manmade global warming is real and then quickly attribute it to gay marriage.

   I might as well prepare myself to say "comrade" a lot and drink plenty of vodka.

   Some relationships are like birthday cakes...Once the 'cake' has been eaten the party is over

   I am waiting for the Fitbit upgrade that lets me buy 5000 extra steps

   Tiger Woods is struggling with his driving. A pull to the left got him into tree trouble.

   IS relies on propaganda to recruit. Trump did the same with his 2nd Amendment remark!

   im not rich so I'll put a midget in my back pocket so my wallet looks bigger