Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm fat, but not "hotel towels no longer fit around my waist" fat.

   You're allowed to make anti-gay statements, and companies are allowed to make anti-you statements by firing you. Free speech works.

   I think I'll open a Chinese restaraunt and call it "Wok Your Dog."

   I heard the man who invented the cross word puzzle past away....did you hear this? yea they buried him 6 feet down and 3 feet across

   A doctor told me to smoke weed everyday. His name is Dr Dre

   Fair warning to bros calling me a sissy... your face WILL be posted on my Pinterest.

   Me, at Wal-Mart: Why is there a buckle on this ski rope? Sir, that's a belt.

   Only 40 days till Christmas... you know what that means? 41 days till I jump back in the dating pool!!

   having a "foodgasm".

   Its so cold, Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick

   Insomnia is like Viagra; It can keep you up all night.

   guys are like dogs, put them on a leash and they'll be chassin every puss in sight!

   the letter after W and the letter before Y...duh?! :)

   Google Uranus

   noticed on the news earlier that the Popemobile has got a very distinctive personal number plate: 1 H4V3 M4DD13. No idea what that's all about.

   meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice but falling in love with you I had no control over

   If breakfast is the most important meal of the day then why do people eat it in their underware?

   golf helps him maintain his higher math skills.

   I'm in a quite room with a bubble in my tummy.......... I wonder if the bubble is shy and quite or loud and ghetto.........stay tuned to find out!!!

   This program contains graphic material! Jergens and Kleenex optional!