Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You are dating 4 people simultaneously and you say you are in a relationship? No hoe, you are in an 0rgy.

   In high school, I used to assist my teacher in Spanish class by "interpretive dancing" her lesson off to the side for "clarification"

   When our dog, Brittany, was just a puppy, I had to teach her how to drink water from a bowl. My wife was concerned that the water wasn't very clean. I assured her that it was... I flushed it three times.

   Breaking news: Police managed to floor Matt with no Sweat...

   "I enjoy long walks on the ocean"......................

   I've had this ant farm for a year now and these lazy bastids still haven't grown any crops.

   I want to have three kids than name them Ctrl, Alt, Delete than if they screw up I can hit them all at once. #ellen

   Watching people breathe gives me motion sickness.

   Missed connection: You were at the gym. I wasn't.

   Life is about what you do after the knock happens.

   Anyone at the self checkout you get an employee discount

   Return to work after vacation with fresh, re-energized hatred for your job.

   When you take away the purchasing power away from the hands of the majority and put it in the hands of the few, you have a housing crisis. By that I mean not enough palaces.

   Sometimes, to retain moisture, I'll brine whatever I'm smoking or grilling. I've found the best brine is made from the tears of 1000 vegans.

   I know enough Spanish to make myself hungry

   To Those Who Are Single. Have A Happy Go F#ck Yourself Day. . .

   Has your credid card ever been frozen due to suspicious behaviour? "Let's go over your recent transaction history...it seems like you have been to a lot of bars lately." F*ck, don't judge my Monday nights....

   I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making....

   Women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it....when is it safe to leave the witness protection program??

   I had a dream last night that I was a kid and my big and middle toes were missing. I yelled for my mom and told her. She said, "Don't worry about it. I'm pretty sure one went to market and the other one's having roast beef."