Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wants to know who threw up in my sink last night? reveal yourself!

   Life gave me LeMoNs. . . So I mixed it upp to be sweet and got MeLoNs!

   just hacked into your facebook account and admitted to all your friends that you have a serious drug problem and need an intervention ASAP!

   really looking forward to this years Toyota Grand Prix of Long Beach. Talk about non-stop racing action!

   that was one nasty hotel , They stole MY towel

   I just told a lie and now my pants feel warm. I hope they dont catch fire!

   ★ just call me tootsie.. because you know how I roll ★ - Magean Brents

   Sex is like pancakes ... God I love Pancakes !!

   She fell in love with the person that I was back then. Why does she try so hard to change me into what suits her...it only drives me away.

   If you're texting two people at the same time, you are biTextual. :)

   Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but I'm on bath salts, and your face looks tasty.

   Do Canadians call regular bacon "American Ham"?

   I've just been invited to a knees up. Or as my girlfriend calls it, accompanying her to the gynaecologist.

   The only good Black Friday is the one with Chris Tucker and Ice Cube!!

   had his left side removed. He's all right now.

   Before you decide to just stay home tonight remember, Beastie Boys have fought and died for your right to party.

   The reasons the jokes here are getting lame is because everyone of the good ones is stolen from Twitter and everyone is starting to get sick of it!

   If I was a cave man. I'd be the one who hunts sloths. In my condition, those buggers are fast

   “Use divorce, Luke...” – Obi Wan, marriage counselor

   Dora: where are we going? Me: to candy mountain! :D