Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anyone else notice that the new Pope looks like Homer Simpson after a hunger strike?

   I went to Chick-fil-a for lunch...You have to try the Chick on Chick sandwich...

   If I ever caught a robber in my house looking for money, I'd start laughing and start searching with him.

   how do germans tie their shoes in little nazis

   Q: What did the hamburger name his daughter? A: Patty!

   I'm just like Jesus except I can't turn water into wine, just life into shi t.

   My husbands wife is freakin' awesome!!

   If it hurts when you pee, urine trouble.

   Dear douchebags; Take care of your Ladies, or some A**hole like me will sure do it for ya!

   A wife turned down an offer to bury her husband in the Holy Land for $75. When asked why she paid $17,000 to buried him in the US, she said, "she heard a story of a Man who was ressurected back in the day!"

   My 2010 New Year's resolution is to NOT interrupt Taylor Swift if she is making an acceptance speech at a music awards ceremony.

   the way it used to be.

   You are feeling sleepy... you will obey me... you will take off your pants...

   in bed with your hot wife... while your at work kissin your boss's ass....

   Tap, tap, tap,..is this thing on?. If it is all the same to you guys, can we skip right past Baseball season and move right on up to Football? Just a thought...

   ❒Single ❒Taking ✔Screw that it will only bring me down when I run from Zombies

   So word is Osama is on his way to Hawaii to get a death certificate made, since that state is now known for making the best authentic looking fictitious certificates.

   Boy: "Is your body from McDonalds?" Girl: "Why? cause you're lovin' it?" Boy: "No, cuz it's fat and greasy."

   Hershey's is coming out with a new candy bar for transvestites... called Heshey's

   Toughest job I ever had was as a door to door salesman, selling doors. Every time I knocked, I thought, “Screw it, they’ve already got one.”