Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As long as men have the ability to lie, I will never understand roofies.

   Its hard to understand someone who never explains.

   When I die I hope ppl remember me for all the attention I loaned to them without retribution. And not the money they loaned to me without retribution.

   I can think of no worse slam than to tell someone that they're a Jerry Springer Show gone bad.

   Idiot friend : man the economy sucks there no jobs anywhere. ME : I'll give you a job, can you start tomorrow? Idiot friend : man I wish I could but I'm busy all day. Me: so how is Gears of War 3? Idiot friend : Fricking awesome man.

   People call me crazy, but you can call me tonight!

   Trying really hard to have a good day. There is not nearly enough genital touching going on for that to happen though.

   Water does not collect on TOP of a hill, take the damn bucket up there yourself! Stupid Blonde!!! ~ what Jack should have said to Jill

   If you try to fail and succeed which have you done

   Today is the only day Women can relate to condoms, their either on you or in your wallet !

   of course "Need you now" won for song of the year, is the best booty call song of all times!

   wondering why zombies wear such drab clothing... They' look a lot less un-dead I'd they'd just spice up their wardrobes with a bit of color.

   Someone please take these chocolate eggs away from me!!!! There's no more room in my jeans!!!

   ‎"Plank" Party at Casey Anthony's!!!!

   i mine as well go out and kill the person I hated forever and see if I get away with it.

   If you trip in public, just strtch out your arms and legs, move them back and forth across the ground, and claim you are making dirt angels.

   needs some comfort food.. Oh wait! I ate it already.. :-/

   there's nothing worse than watching a movie preview with action, guns, explosions, fighting, people dying, hot chicks, and.....a PG-13 rating!!

   If a mute swears, does his mother was his hands with soap??

   I wouldn't know how to act if Mr. T approached me and he was nice, I would be hella confused