Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So I am making a bean/corn salad/salsa recipe and it askes for ground cummin. I'm like... uh, eww and then I'm like well I have it and it's free but exactly how do you grind it?

   Hi, I'm the new Milkman,,,,,,,Would you like it in the front or back?

   So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?

   heard bieber was supposed to be on the malaysian flight... sigh...

   If it's fat, drunk, and slow, it must be Chicago

   A thief broke into my house last night searching for ‘Money’ …. I joined him in the search.

   What if April Fools day doesn't really exist and it's actually the longest/greatest prank the world has ever seen......?

   I bet the beeps the Malaysia search crews are hearing, are old sailor's pagers that fell overboard... them batteries lasted forever.

   Hawaiian Airlines is now offering cheaper flights to Honolulu, with only a single stop to change wheel wells at San Jose.

   I just tore the tag off my mattress................... What you gonna do Obama?

   can you get pregnant from unprotected text?

   How do you wake up Lady Gaga? Poke her face! Duh!

   had some Korean meatballs last night. They were the dog's bollocks.

   A friend of mine said that being gay wasn't so bad, but sometimes it's a real pain in the ass ツ

   The back of my ears smell like parmesan cheese.

   Kim Jong Un is nothing but an ugly, fat chink.

   Donald Trump announces huge border wall with Canada to prevent Melania from pouncing on Justin Trudeau.

   How long until we find out these tents and cages are made by Trump or a friend of his?

   Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is; if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.

   can't spell "female" without "fml"..