Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Glad Facebook knocks me off for "Routine Maintenance"... said by no-one, ever!!

   I had skylights installed at my place last night and I don't get why the people who live upstairs aren't okay with this.

   Before you make your birthday wishes, make sure your genie has a good command of the English language. Unrelated- would anyone wanna purchase a massive rooster, a bunch if wet Brazilian cats and a large section of donkey.

   Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly.

   are the smurfs just a midget tribe of the Avatars?

   Creates an imaginary girlfriend. She just wants to be friends.

   The closest I come to beastiality is grabbing a ponytail.

   Off to IKEA to shop, I'm so hungry I could eat a horse...

   You say, "Boys. Always respect a girl that's been single for over a year. Because it means she not co-dependent ."This is not true again; she is actually dependent on her vibrator!!

   I just said to myself how life would be simpler without technology and my iPhone said "Ya right" and we laughed and laughed and wrote this status.

   I think it'd be more fun if cops pulled people over with red and green lights this time of year

   Hey! I just met you, and this is crazy, but you had 6 beers and here's your bill, so pay me maybe. - funny bartender

   Tried to kill a spider with deodorant. He's still alive, but he smells great.

   Leon: Mathilda, nothing's the same after you've killed someone. Your life is changed forever. You have to sleep with one eye open for the rest of your life..

   It is supposed to snow on the 4th of July but it will be in the form of rain.

   I wish birth control could work retro-actively. Some people should never have been born.

   Friday night: 7pm. The annual Peter pulling contest will be at St. Taffy's. Everyone welcome.

   It is depressing to pull the tag off of your boxer shorts and a parachute opens.

   I knew a girl high school who didn't have an oreo until she was 17. I think about this a lot

   If the world really had been flat, Americans would have poured pizza sauce on it and eaten it.