Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if I was any more stressed I would complain but I'm not so I wont. instead I choose to be thankful that fart didnt smell that bad.

   Really listened to "Freebird" last night. The guy is a bird you can't change. He's an unchangeable bird. And there's a guitar solo. Classic.

   Drivin around town with Cee lo's girl. Go ahead and write another stupid @ss song about it.

   Shakespear in prison: To take it or not to take it, THAT is the question

   Googled "Bing" then Asked to find Wikipedia.

   I think it's possible that Hitler and Lewis Black had the same acting coach.

   How did the Wicked Witch of the West not die of thirst long before Dorothy showed up?

   Guy at coffee shop just asked for a "croissant" like he's totally a French person. It's like, calm down, dude.

   My anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, hun. #bakerysongs

   When your girlfriend has Taylor Swift lyrics as her status, you know you're either doing something very right, or something very wrong.

   ***** if you think there should be a "dude I wasnt that drunk" category

   I don't have mistletoe this year, so we'll just have to kiss under the influence :P!!

   I love tattoos- every year on my birthday I get a small dash on my inner thigh were my balls currently hang. You can't tell me that's not going to be a beautiful work of art when it's finished.

   Fear? I grew up in a time when the Russians wanted to nuke us and the Stray Cats wanted to rock our towns inside out.

   alright dudes. we cant be playing with a girls heart, its the only one she has. play with her boobs, she has two of those :)

   RING... RING!!! (My Boss) "Hello?" (Me) "hmph gorg jawb forb berk." (My Boss) "Okay, see ya on Tuesday."

   nothing says "I put absolutely no thought into this" than a dozen roses on Valentine's Day.

   I'm no terrorist, but I have blown up my underwear a time or two...

   so if you have a google phone or an I phone I just found out that the police scanner radio's are free to download and fun to listen to just search police radio in app store or the market and enjoy listening to what goes down in any city in the world

   I think it's kind of funny when walking through a store past the women's intimate apparel section, or pass a Victoria's Secret in the mall, and the bra's are displayed on a "rack."