Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   saw a pirate movie the other day... It was rated ARRRRRRRRR!

   Girl texts you: What ya doing? You reply: Playing Xbox.. Err I mean lifting weights. Yeah lifting weights.

   I give $50 a week to Jesus.........my lawn guy.

   Don't pray too much; God might recognize it as spam. :)

   Stormy Daniels is shooting a new movie, titled "Stormy Does The Republicans".

   I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.

   Religious people believe because it makes them feel better; but thankfully there's booze for that.

   Fox News is the funniest Tv station ever! Good source of entertainment. But seriously, I trust the Daily Show more.

   3 things I will never understand: 1. The meaning of life. 2. The universe. 3. How Spongebob & Patrick made those sounds effects in that box.

   This just in...BALLOON BOY IS SAFE! For all of his actions leading to safe recovery of the six year old, Obama has been awarded a 2nd Nobel Prize!

   I enjoy blowing the horn as I drive past the Blind School and watch all the kids wave in the wrong direction .

   I stepped into the Wal-Mart bathroom and it smelled like Casey Anthony's trunk in there...

   If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.

   "how much is an Eminem?" "50 Cent" "WHAT?! That's Ludacris! Black Eyed Peas are much cheaper. I can go get them at my granny's house. She lives 3 Doors Down." "Sweet! Let's take the Backstreet, Boys."

   Beauty lies in the eye of the beer-holder.

   Sing it with me! I ...... I believe.... I believe that they just tied. I believe that they just tied. I believe that they just tied.

   Wife wife insists on having the last word in any argument. Anything I say after that is considered the start of a new argument.

   "Going forward, we will only be selling one-way tickets." -Malaysian Airlines press release

   Hate when Taco Bell doesn't have the all of their menu items on the drive thru sign, cuz then I have to just ask for.. "the thing that made me crap my pants last time"

   Breaking news: Israel has found yet another tunnel from Gaza... but when they attempted to go inside, they discovered that the NY port authority had already set up a tollbooth there and demanded $15 to cross...