Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cooked with wine for the first time & I cut my finger, got a black eye, & After 2 glasses I forgot why I was in the kitchen, But the important thing is that the wine bottle is open.... Over all not bad..

   Donated blood for the needy since it is Xmas. Now I just have to find a Salvation Army bucket to put this Ziploc baggie in.

   It's all fun and games until somebody leaves the chicken in the beaver!

   I bring a broom with me whenever I go to Walmart so I can clean up all the white trash.

   After having sex with a lady the polite thing to say is "It was nice to meat you."

   I am not religious but I am grateful for this easter holiday, in fact I am grateful for any holiday that mean I dont have to go to work.

   Sex is like Math, You subtract the clothes, Add a Bed, Divide the legs, and hope you don't Multiply!!!

   I don't like the word “religion.” I prefer “Mandatory imaginary fun time or we kill you.”

   I dare you to read the New Testament, except substitute every "Jesus" with "Pizza Hut" and tell me it isn't the greatest business plan ever.

   A stranger stabs you in the front. A boyfriend stabs you in the heart. An enemy stabs you in the back but real friends don't carry knives.

   I can't believe Mary's parents bought that whole "pregnant virgin" thing.

   You know you're brainwashed when Donald Trump and FOX News have you convinced that the FBI are the bad guys and Russia are the good guys.

   . Was the rainbow that appeared over capitol building a sign of approval from above that the dem won the control of the house.

   Looks like Hillary's going to steal the election by using the oldest trick in the book. By getting millions more votes than her opponent.

   So all I have to do is stage a few fake miracles and the Pope approves my sainthood? Roman Catholic is more of a cult than a church.

   I bet people who still wear watches are also the same people who still call radio stations requesting songs.

   i think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a women

   Did you hear about the mexican guy who had a heart attack on Halloween? Somebody came to his door dressed as a job.

   Donald Trump has been running his pie hole for the last four months. And this has been one of the warmest winters in years. Coincidence?

   If all mankind descended from Adam and Eve who only had two sons like the bible says, then it means we are all products of incest which according to the same bible is major sin.