Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m glad they have a holiday to honor Neil PATRICK Harris, he’s amazing.

   Dating Profile: I enjoy long walks on the beach, the equisite writings of Edgar Alan Poe, and watching chicks shove stuff up their poop pipe.

   God didn’t make all men equal, Samuel Colt did.

   Yesterday John McCain said the government shutdown was worse than the one in '95. That's 1795. He was 44 at the time, cleaning a musket for his son.

   Trump is like the Charlie Sheen of the political world .... WINNING!

   Nintendo or Nintendon't,,,,, There is no nintendtry

   ur honor, I call GOD as my witness... *jury gasps*... *nothing happens*...*slowly, a man with a beard rises from the stands*... Dammit No Gary,,, sit down

   I'm convinced any man who introduces themselves with 'Uncle' before their name is a child molester.

   9.LIKE if you think Jerry Springer should moderate the next debate

   I don't trust the ground I stand on......... Anymore

   Saint Patrick was born in Britain under Roman rule. He was captured by Irish pirates and forced to be a slave.

   honestly believes girls are like parking spaces...good ones are already taken! and the ones left over are handicapped

   Yesterday I had a religious experience: I was repressed and beaten by a man in a black robe.

   I officially give up...lol oh well I guess thats why god gave me hands and man made energizer batteries lol

   walked into a woman on the street today which is weird because va-ginas aren't usually that big...

   What do you do if your Kotex are on fire? Throw them on the ground and tamp on it.

   I'm not bulimic, I just like tasting the same food twice.

   imagine how pissed Batman gets whenever Robin uses foursquare. "The location of the Bat Cave is meant to be a secret, so STOP checking in!"

   I used to have super powers, but my psychiatrist took them away

   Goodbye, Rosalyn. You will not be missed. I hope you enjoyed yourself with the staffer! :)