Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just got a new dog..Named him " Stay " Freaks all our friends out when we say" Come Here...Stay "

   Why do people think Memento is so much better than Dude Where's My Car? They are basically the same movie.

   a few days ago, started using a new deodorant. The instructions read, "remove cap and push up bottom". Now he can barely walk, but when he breaks wind, the room smells awesome.

   Z is the last letter in the alphabet because it overslept.

   WOOHOO!!!! IT'S FRIDAY!!!!! Wait a damn minute, I'm working 7 10's, every day is a god damn Monday for me.

   wishes Brett would just go away. Favre, Favre away.

   My girlfriend called me a pedophile! I was shocked! That's such a big word for a 5 year old

   ...Really USA? You REALLY thought you would win again???

   A&E has just announced the replacement show for Duck Dynasty the new show will be Dyke Dynasty.

   I'm at the age where I don't want to throw away a box because, well, it's a really nice box.

   perkatory (PUR kah tawr ē) n.: The anguished, prolonged period of time waiting for a fresh pot of coffee to finish brewing.

   Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like

   You think we have a problem with immigrants now? Wait until all the hoes of the world find out that they too can be The First Lady no matter what they have done.

   Apparently the Russians also have very compromising material on Trump which they are ready to release if Trump decides not to play ball with Putin.

   Starting to think my job only wants me for my labor

   Hillary Clinton has been on more private jets than Donald Trump ..... and hasn't paid for a single one of them ...

   Trump is a living embodiment to an erection that lasted more than 4 hours.

   Looks like those tariffs will finish off the family dairy farm once and for all. Too much winning!

   Apparently, my neighbor's nativity scene proves that he believes there was a Minion in Bethlehem

   I'm the man from Nantucket.