Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love my women like I love my Ikea furniture, cheap and missing a couple screws

   Miss Understood

   Sarah Palin probably thinks Obama's drilling plan doesn't go far enough in terms of wrecking the environment.

   August 4th 1969....Yeah, not a day that America needed! Or what ever country he was REALLY born in..

   drinking beers with his peers

   coming up so you better get this party started.

   never been called a Space Cowboy.

   Dear Lord You have taken away my favourite actoress britney Murphy favourite Singer Mj and my favourite spokesman billy mays I just wanna say my favourite singer is lil wayne

   Sorry yanks. After all, it is our game. We may not own the podium... but you got owned it hockey. More gold than you... y'all must like silver!!!

   America, you've got a little injustice on your chin. No, not there. A little to the right. There. Nope, you missed it again. Still there.

   Biden won. Get over it, Trump weirdos.

   Hang on Tim, God is caught in traffic. Still hasn't arrived in Foxboro yet.

   Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.

   Police have reported that Tony the Tiger and the Captain Crunch have been murdered. A police spokesman said it could be the work of a cereal killer.

   making a list and checking it twice

   Here I sit, all broken hearted. Had to sh*t, but only farted. Till one day, I took a chance. Tried to fart, and sh*t my pants

   If you need pills to be a parent then you're not a parent. You're a child yourself.

   Whitney Houston died? Does that mean we have to wait nearly 20 years for Justin Bieber to die? Has anyone turned him on to coke yet?

   ...look daddy!!...the elephant is eating the peanuts right out of my hand!!..back away son, that's no elephant, that's a fat girl.

   Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine