Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me: "Hey you forgot to close the door! Were you born in a barn?" Jesus: "Yes." Me: "Oh, it's you. Sorry, Jesus." Jesus: "I forgive you."

   You know who else says I'M FINE when they are clear not fine? Satan

   When you unlike my humanitarian posts, I think you're on the beast side, I imagine a person with an extreme antisocial disorder, say an undetected killer or with potential to be a serial killer.

   I got kicked out of the supermarket for comparing apples and oranges. Manager said "you can't do that cause it would be like co..forget it."

   Getting my car fixed my a stoned mechanic. I know,, I know,, he's high maintenance

   Free Jay-z concert tickets were given out for Obama voters!!!

   What's the difference between The New England Patriots and a p0rn star? The p0rn star doesn't ch0ke on the big ones.

   Food stamps are the new “Hey, I finished SOME community college.”

   Not all guys want multiple girlfriends at the same time... 1 is enough trouble.

   I've never sky dived before, but I have zoomed in REAL FAST on Google Earth!!

   I really hope Hillary starts her acceptance speech with "AM I SMILING ENOUGH FOR YOU NOW?"

   Online contest to rename POTUS ... I vote for Pouty McPoutface or Fatty McFatface.

   "His heart wasn't the only thing that was two sizes too small." -Mrs. Grinch

   Hello, 911, I am calling about this African American family, The Jeffersons. I want to complain that they finally got a piece of the pie.

   According to most of you people here, I guess the holocaust is considered freedom of speech?

   Marriage tip #7: The first thing you ask your wife when she comes to the door from work is what she going to make for dinner? She will appreciate it because you are putting your family's needs first above your own.

   If you lose half your IQ, that'll make you Q.

   posing patiently with my clothes off for Google Earth to come by and take my picture...

   am I the only one that thinks that Prince William looks like a cross between John Elway and a Mongoloid?

   Treat em like ladies - love em like lesbians!