Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   choo choo...Lindsay Lohan...WHAT A TRAIN WRECK!

   <---------------------was dumped on Facebook!

   Can I borrow that quarter? Because my mom told me to call home when I fell in love.

   You know that garbage can right next to Oscar the Grouch's garbage can? That's where he takes the ladies.

   How to annoy people: Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy".

   A candy that starts off sour and then gets sweet?... Wow that sums up my girlfriend..

   ..Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.

   realized you can continue to vomit LONG after you thought you were done.

   go on google,type why are a' and look at the first and fifth results in the auto fill

   Why do banks leave both doors open but they chain the pens to the counter?

   teaching my dog to remove comdoms like I taught it to remove my socks wasn't a real smart idea... Just saying, thats all... =\

   Worried about traveling on Turkey Day, the full body scan screener may think I have a rilfe in my pants.

   once had a Hangover so bad I had to put sneakers on the cat

   Oh, I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas, Mommy and Daddy are mad. I'm getting nuttin' for Christmas 'Cause I ain't been nuttin' but bad

   Today's secret word is "Drama". If you hear somebody say it scream real loud and knock them out. Ready? Go try it.

   "I see!" says the blind man, as he pisses in the fan, "It all comes back to me now..."

   Cool like the other side of the pillow.

   waiting for boomerangs to make a comeback

   16yr-old Gossip Girl Taylor Momsen says her bff is her vibrator. In creepier news, Justin Bieber says he won't leave home w/o his buttplug!

   Who does everyone listen to and no one believe? The weatherman.