Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wookies to the left of me, Ewoks to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle of Endor with you...

   If you travel to Mexico Donald Trump will require you to help pay for the wall.

   Could you imagine if Hillary Clinton mentioned Benghazi in her deleted emails? Republicans heads would explode!!!

   A new poll says 50% want Trump and 50% want Killary... Me?... I just want a lobotomy..

   "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." #FamousMelaniaTrumpQuotes

   blame the a hole running t his platform for allowing this political bs to fly.

   I took my introverted turtle to an orgy and he immediately started coming out of his shell

   Congrats to NJ Transit trains, for going more consistently off the rails than a Sean Spicer press conference.

   Happy Labor Day! The day we remember those long, grueling hours endured by women giving birth after reaching 10cm dilated.

   Who do you hate the most: people who post about their gym workouts or people who post about every time they go to church?

   Debating if I should clean the inside of my refrigerator out. Or just unscrew the light bulb.

   I went to confession. Things in my life have gotten way out of hand and I mean WAY out. For penance, the priest gave me 10 Hail Marys, 10 Act of Contritions, 10 Our Fathers and a Do It Yourself Crucifixion kit from IKEA.

   This coming Wednesday, the groundhog's 6 week weather forecast will once again claim 100% accuracy while your local TV meteorologist's 5 day forecast will hover at its usual 1%.

   Most used homosexual catch phrase - "Im with her"

   BREAKING NEWS: Game show hosts going on strike... They know their jobs are in Jeopardy,.. but they won't settle until they can get a contract where The Price Is Right.

   To the folks who are "scared" about having a strange new President on January 20th, Relax -There's a reason Obama was called the 44th President, Because the one after will be the 45th! This is nothing new for Pete' Sake!

   South Americans. They gave the world coffee and tomatoes. It was all downhill from there.

   Super Bowl: it's like WrestleMania, but boring.

   Spicer says TrumpCare doesn't have a Plan B - "it's just Plan A and Plan A." But we all know there's gonna be a morning-after bill.

   I went into take my shower this morning and accidently washed my hair with Dog Shampoo. But on the upside, at least I don't have to worry about getting fleas.