Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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This coming Wednesday, the groundhog's 6 week weather forecast will once again claim 100% accuracy while your local TV meteorologist's 5 day forecast will hover at its usual 1%. 
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale. I sold their house.
Yellow cars have the lowest crash rate, according a different pole
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
You really want animals? Try installing a bed sheet with a cat
My wife is so fat, she eats a snack between snacks.
I bought a roll-a-way bed the other day. I haven't tried it out yet . . . I haven't been able to catch it!!!
Most used homosexual catch phrase - "Im with her"
BREAKING NEWS: Game show hosts going on strike... They know their jobs are in Jeopardy,.. but they won't settle until they can get a contract where The Price Is Right.
To the folks who are "scared" about having a strange new President on January 20th, Relax -There's a reason Obama was called the 44th President, Because the one after will be the 45th! This is nothing new for Pete' Sake!
South Americans. They gave the world coffee and tomatoes. It was all downhill from there.
Spicer says TrumpCare doesn't have a Plan B - "it's just Plan A and Plan A." But we all know there's gonna be a morning-after bill.
Congrats to NJ Transit trains, for going more consistently off the rails than a Sean Spicer press conference.
Happy Labor Day! The day we remember those long, grueling hours endured by women giving birth after reaching 10cm dilated.
Who do you hate the most: people who post about their gym workouts or people who post about every time they go to church?
For some reason the British people have been complaining that they had to donate 20% of their entire economy to the European Economic Union ..... How selfish of them.
Wookies to the left of me, Ewoks to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle of Endor with you...
If you travel to Mexico Donald Trump will require you to help pay for the wall.
Could you imagine if Hillary Clinton mentioned Benghazi in her deleted emails? Republicans heads would explode!!!
A new poll says 50% want Trump and 50% want Killary... Me?... I just want a lobotomy.. 