Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   on't name your bong after a woman, because we all know it's wrong to hit women.

   I like the sound of "PSY beats Justin Bieber...in Youtube views" If only he actually physically did it.

   CLAUStrophobia = The Fear of Santa Claus !

   I would hurt the people that I love for a taco right now.

   seen the calvin klein underware ad on youtube, haven't skipped ad in days. Well played YouTube, well played.

   Respect my lack of authority

   The first rule of iPhone 5 club is you tell everyone about iPhone 5 club.

   I was feeling a little under the weather. But surprisingly, I got down from my desk chair and I felt better? It must have been the high altitude.....

   watches Sunday football with you all day... Wife that girl.

   You're weird, sarcastic, narcisistic, rude and seem like a witch. My only question is, Are free for a date next weekend?

   i have a neighbor whos dog doesnt eat peanut butter anymore.. just saying.

   I'm really good at hide and seek. Hide my ex's dead body and seek a new girlfriend.

   My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale. I sold their house.

   Yellow cars have the lowest crash rate, according a different pole

   you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now

   You really want animals? Try installing a bed sheet with a cat

   I just got 40 winks on the suaway........ I knew I shouldn't of worn this pink T-shirt.

   I have more trust in a link from a bot account than I do in Michael Cohen.

   I'm a proud member of the Exaggerators Club. Membership 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 and growing.

   For some reason the British people have been complaining that they had to donate 20% of their entire economy to the European Economic Union ..... How selfish of them.