Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A guy is walking between two skyscrapers on a tightrope. Another guy is on a date with Amy Schneider and their clothes just came off. At the same time, the guy on the tightrope and the guy with Amy have the same thought: "Don't look down."

   IDC WHAT ANYBODY SAYS, it will always be naturally funny whenever the song Promiscuous comes on in a grocery store...

   Sure, daylight can be saved tomorrow, but only if it accepts Jesus as its one true savior.

   Let the comedy circus begin..........American elections!

   Sir it would appear that you have sugar poisoning.... "You mean Diabetes?".. Ooh look at me, I'm a patient that knows all the diseases, ooh

   Tried practicing Fruit Ninja in the kitchen, ended up playing Temple Run with my wife chasing me like an Angry Bird

   My neighbor put up his Christmas lights today. I bet he's really pissed that I beat him to it. Heck, I'm not stupid .... I put mine up three years ago!

   Purina hung up on me. I suggested mouse flavored cat food.

   I just ate a whole jar of expired mayonnaise!

   Try this yourself. If you take two fingers and push your cat's ears down he will look just like Yoda.

   I'm going to say goodbye to some of you now. Let's see you reads my page. If you are my friend click like and copy and paste this to your fridge.

   The guy standing in front of me should probably step out of line and go grab himself some sort of antidiarrheal medication. All he had to do was sneeze for me to be pretty sure that he has the stomach flu...

   My gums are throbbing, someone somewhere just spilled their whiskey!

   I speak several languages besides English: British, Australian, Scottish and Welch.

   distance can be so cruel when you love somebody

   I don't understand people who take a hundred selfies and then pick the best one to post. I mean how do they roll in real life if they look like the other 99?

   My prediction for the upcoming week: You will have many WTF moments.

   As a kid I was always wearing shoes too big and didn’t know why until one day I remembered my childhood and my dad saying - walk a mile in mine.

   besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?

   It's sad old people won't live to see time travel, because how bad do they want to find the jerk who carpeted over this beautiful hardwood?