Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey ... Does it mean anything when you see an elderly woman hobbling out the back door of the Presidential Debate Stage door crying and screaming vulgarities and met with a limousine driven by Huma Abedin?

   Good luck listening to 80's music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.

   Remember when Saturday morning TV was all great cartoons? Now it's just porn. That might just be my TV, tho.

   I don't go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time...

   A guy is walking between two skyscrapers on a tightrope. Another guy is on a date with Amy Schneider and their clothes just came off. At the same time, the guy on the tightrope and the guy with Amy have the same thought: "Don't look down."

   IDC WHAT ANYBODY SAYS, it will always be naturally funny whenever the song Promiscuous comes on in a grocery store...

   Your boyfriend/hubby is always beating you up and you say its "Gangster love",no its not,its WWE SMACKDOWN....you dating John Cena!?

   If a gynecologist uses an instrument called a speculum, does a proctologist use an instrument called a reculum?

   Just found a $5 bill in the dryer that must have fallen out of my pants pocket. Looks like I'm guilty of money laundering.

   So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn’t for throwing at people who stress you out?

   Sure, daylight can be saved tomorrow, but only if it accepts Jesus as its one true savior.

   Let the comedy circus begin..........American elections!

   Sir it would appear that you have sugar poisoning.... "You mean Diabetes?".. Ooh look at me, I'm a patient that knows all the diseases, ooh

   Tried practicing Fruit Ninja in the kitchen, ended up playing Temple Run with my wife chasing me like an Angry Bird

   My neighbor put up his Christmas lights today. I bet he's really pissed that I beat him to it. Heck, I'm not stupid .... I put mine up three years ago!

   Purina hung up on me. I suggested mouse flavored cat food.

   I just ate a whole jar of expired mayonnaise!

   Try this yourself. If you take two fingers and push your cat's ears down he will look just like Yoda.

   I'm going to say goodbye to some of you now. Let's see you reads my page. If you are my friend click like and copy and paste this to your fridge.

   The guy standing in front of me should probably step out of line and go grab himself some sort of antidiarrheal medication. All he had to do was sneeze for me to be pretty sure that he has the stomach flu...