Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I feel intimidated by someone I imagine them drinking out of a rabbit water bottle.

   Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is just an oncoming train.

   I just bought the Complete Idiot's Guide to saving money for only $89.99!

   I got chased by someone jogging this morning, all because I yelled “Run Forrest Run!”

   having second thoughts.. and confused cause I completely skipped the first ones !

   Thank goodness for these new profiles... without them, I might never have known that so many of my friends speak english.

   doesn't understand the phrase 'less than a few minutes.' I mean, we don't even know how long 'a few minutes' is, so how the hell would we know what's less than that?

   I didn't get a lot in class but I know it don't come in a shot glass

   I will take a chance, I will Dance until the Day I Die, I will never look back.. Did I really need Katy Perry to tell me all that? No, But after watchin' her music video. I will dream like a teenager tonight."

   Why ask me if I'm up when you text me at 3 in the morning and I answer it?

   Cause I gave up smokin', Women and drinkin' last night And it was the worst 15 minutes of my life

   thinks we should all go out for Octoberfest and make it a monthlyfest!!

   Camera phones are an amazing invention for the convulsively bored

   Come on ppl what a bad start to the new year pull ur socks up and get funny already

   I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.

   you might be a redneck if You can spit without opening your mouth.

   Just found out I'm the tallest midget in the world

   later on this week I go to the doctor & see my arch enemy again...the scale

   31% of women complain about everything while the other 69% complain about everything

   Happy Birthday Weed!