Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I turned off the tv; what was the point of watching one boring moth-er-fucker after another one.

   Saw my ex for the first time since we broke up at a diner last night. She was with another guy. So I ordered a sandwich, took a few bites, went up to their table, handed her date my leftovers and walked away.

   Well if Donald said it, it must be true. So there you are, no one has done more for equality than he has. MLK could take lessons from Trump.

   that a Trump rally? I thought it was the casting for "The Walking Dead"...

   Oops I almost forgot its sunday today, thanks facebook friends for reminding me with your religious posts.

   Just glad Jesus died on a Friday Good Monday just doesn't 'roll' off the tongue as well

   at the point where i'm confused about which one of the american black guys being killed by police you're talking about.

   Who said, " nothing is impossible!" try nailing jello to a tree.

   I walk light so I don't piss the ground off..

   Do you work for subway? Cause you just gave me a foot long.

   I'm going to get in shape, pear is a shape...right???

   last night, I laid in bed, looking up at the stars, and thought to myself, "where the hell is my roof?"

   I bet you $20 I don't have a gambling problem.

   Who know why there are so Many Birthdays in October? Simply because valentine day was nine months Ago people who are born in this month most be called fruit of love ;)

   Yo Mamas so stupid she was yelling into the mailbox. We ask her whats she doing and she said, she was sending a voice-mail.

   Breast-feeding Mom....Y you No wink back???

   I'm not a professional pilot, but I can wear a pair of aviator glasses and helicopter my wiener in the front yard for like 3 hours straight.

   Congress is now drafting new legislation that would make it mandatory for anyone purchasing this appliance to be entered into a national pressure cooker database. Details at 11

   Movies are so unrealistic. This guy's using his computer to access an alien spaceship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe Flash Player.

   they say dogs and owners look alike.. is that why Obamas dog is sportin a fro and is black an white?