Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The steady fall of oil prices and subsequent decline of the Canadian dollar motivated me to diversify my investment portfolio from empties to Lotto Max.

   Jada Pinkett-Smith should picket Donald Trump and Sarah Palin for being too white.

   Bristol Palin is not amused with Tina Fey's impression of her mother, Sarah Palin. Perhaps it's was Sarah Palin doing an impression on Tina Fey. No one ever thinks about that.

   Most people my age are older than me.

   The world would be a better place if a certain group of people would be more tolerant. I'm speaking to the lactose intolerant people out there. Stop the hate.

   Donald Trump says he "will spill the beans " on Cruz's wife, I always wondered what beans Heidi eats??

   The Harold and Kumar movies are probably the best Korean/Indian buddy movies ever made.

   fine then, family is NOTHING

   Just a friendly reminder: Jesus is always watching you.

   The dust has settled, the votes have been counted, the U.S. has decided on their President. As a country you guys should try to unite and move forward, find common ground, and settle your differences. Democrats, stroke their elephant. Republicans, kiss th

   I had this stupid female waitress taking out order. My friend asked for a Caesar salad, she then asks: "What dressing?" My brain almost imploded.

   We all live in a yellow submarine

   Moonlight not my Oscar winner. #thanksrussia #LaLaland2018

   Happy "Go Make Me A Sandwich" day!

   Always memorize your grocery list in case the CIA hacked your iPhone notes.

   Meatloaf's "Two out of Three Ain't Bad" is Trump's favorite song about what is the appropriate percentage of your wives who should be immigrants.

   When Trump was pledging to drain the swamp, his rabid supporters never noticed that he didn't have anything good to refill the swamp with once it was drained.

   My private part is like an electric eel. It's not super charged or anything. It's that women are afraid to go near it.

   If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.

   Tryna see how I’m finna split 8$ between 17 people for Christmas 🥴..