Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was driving home from work yesterday when I noticed a man with one leg hitch-hiking, so I pulled over and told him to "Hop in."

   has a really bad case of SRH!!! (Sperm retention headache)

   How to make hard taco: 1. Buy soft taco from taco bell...2. Crush up Cialis ... 3. Sit in bath tub on dock over looking lake.. 4.wait for the right moment

   Ralph Macchio is 50. Pat Morita was 52 when the Karate Kid opened,,,,fact check next time!

   In a new interview, Hillary Clinton said the Bible is the most influential book she's ever read. Some people think she might be pandering to Southern Christian voters. Then Hillary said, "Oh come on y'all — little ol' me?"

   Three words to ruin a man's ego. "Is it in?"

   Single Women - When you get your Facebook 'Timeline' take a long hard look at it, and you'll see WHY you are STILL single.

   Has any one seen dolly partons face she looks like the joker WTF..HAPPENED.!!!

   Myspace, the Nickelback of the internet.

   If a man's wiener was so huge it gave him back problems, he'd never have surgery. He'd just strap that sucker on a cart & go about his day.

   :B (Guy with buck teeth).

   I took one of my wife's vitamins this morning if anybody wants to go shoe shopping or ask my opinion on curtains, call me

   It's 4:20 on 4/20! Do you know where your bong is?

   Sea levels aren't rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking.

   just seen on news a midget got pickpocketed, how could anyone stoop so low?

   "I wasn't that drunk" "Dude you made your girlfriend a sandwich."

   My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop. Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.

   I swear to drunk I am not god

   Tony Stewart just announced he has Parkinson's Disease too.

   I still remember 2014 like it was yesterday!