Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Your Proctologist called and left a message, they found your head!

   It's always five o'clock in my liver

   Be motivated by the hate you receive and encouraged by the love you receive.

   The most impressive magic trick of all is how magicians are able to make all of their shame disappear.

   ‎ I really hope Prince William doesn't get cold teeth, err, I mean feet!

   Whatever you do...don't eat the cheesy fish tacos.

   If the rapture is Saturday...I hope the Lord knows that I was listening to the preacher while colorin'

   Friends are like the walls of a house. Sometimes they hold you up, sometimes you lean on them. But sometimes, it's enough to know they're just standing by.

   It took 1hr 24min to watch 30 Minutes or Less.

   's bank account needs month-to-month resuscitation!

   Listening to some gospel music by Eminem. Amen to that !!! Epic

   No strings attached, your love is so wi-fi

   I am a deeply superficial person with a profound understanding of all the world within the range of myTV remote control.

   I swear there are like 5 dudes in this town running around just making babies...In about 15 years this is gonna be a strange ass place if half the kids are related too each other...

   You’re over 45. Better tell the cashier how many deer were in the yard this morning.

   When the judge told Mickey he couldn't grant his divorce from Minnie just because you say she crazy. Mickey said, I didn't say she crazy..... I said she's f***ing Goofy.

   See below: Are you people that dumb!? Now I know why we're in the predicament we are in.

   Pavlov is sitting in a bar and the phone rings. Suddenly he screams “Oh crap! I forgot to feed the dogs!“

   What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb...

   Bought some glass parts for my chandelier today and got shortchanged. I told him to check his crystal math.