Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Its not about how many friends you have. Its about how many of your friends you can rely on in times of trouble.

   This morning, I got robbed in the shower by some soap scum.

   My boss and I will have to agree to disagree. He wants me to do stuff that will make him money. I want to do stuff that will get me drunk.

   Wanted GF. A girl with good cooking skills and a jet ski, please show pic of jet ski.

   I'm not saying my ex wife was crazy but she was jealous of my dog...

   Papacy - humans praying to another human.

   Lost in all this marriage debate are the Tranny's. Who can they marry, either sex or neither sex??

   funny, I see anyone wearing those "LiveStrong" wristbands anymore...

   How do you choke someone without killing them? Asking for a friend.

   If You Can't Be With The One You Love... Slap The One You're With!

   I have a great name for a dating site which pretty much sums the whole thing up in a nutshell...Desperate Losers.

   brakes for unicorns.

   I plan to only eat aberdeen angus beef for every meal in January. aberdeen angus beef that has been slain by my hands. my BARE hands!

   An ideal mind is a devil's workshop...mine is a warehouse!

   A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

   Dont sh!t where you eat...A friendly reminder brought to you by The Stop Being A Dumb@ss Association.

   going for Gold in the Men's Uphill Giant Slalom....Gravity is a B*tch!

   as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room ful of rocking chairs.

   if you're gonna be a smart ass, atleast try not to look dumb.

   I'm fed up with my brain remembering crap I'd like to forget and forgetting crap I'd like to remember!