Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Still not 100% clear on Applebee's BYOB policy.

   Donald "No Pants" Duck was a bird truly ahead of his time.

   When the power goes out my family and I play with our phones by candlelight like in the old days.

   Grocery Store List: -Bottle of Wine. -Wheel of Cheese. -Get Well Soon card (for myself).

   What sounds better, "working through things" or "soul as black as the depths of the ocean"? I really need to get my Craigslist ad right.

   Listen, I could have gone my whole life without hearing the term "fecal transplant" and I wouldn't have regretted it.

   Arnold Schwarzenegger To Donald Trump: You’re Fired. But wait, wasn't Arnold once accused of objectifying women some years ago?

   Listen, OK, this was way back in 2005. It was 11 years ago, back when I was just a young, childish, 59-year-old man.

   BREAKING NEWS : Bill Cosby withdraws support for Donald Trump

   The only thing more romantic than true love is getting hit by a train.

   The "running man" may no longer be a trendy dance move, but it's a cool way to get out of a boring conversation

   You must be special kind of dumb if you think an idiot who became a billionaire celebrity and sleeps with models wants to change how this country works.

   Hook-up culture's not for me. I'd rather get to know someone, find out they're not right for me, then keep dating them for 2-3 years.

   My favorite ghost story begins with "You have 14 invites waiting for you on LinkedIn..."

   Love corn mazes because they're a festive way to feel like you might never escape the hellish walls you're surrounded by.

   So weird that National Vodka Day last week happens on the same day as Text Your Ex Day.

   Birth control pills should come in Pez dispensers that feature a tiny baby head crying on top.

   I didn't realize that the circus stayed in town so long. Also I thought there was more to it than a clown and a freaky old lady. When does it leave?

   Spends 2 hours rescuing a baby squirrel during a hurricane but is always too tired to make her own burritos.

   It's only Wednesday morning and I've already had to have the "You will not become the bird lady from Mary Poppins" talk in the mirror.