Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Gum without the commitment: Mentos.

   Preparing for old age by sitting on a bench watching construction workers lay cement. This will be my joy one day.

   Don't Tell The Kids #1: But the monster is under their bed because it refuses to pay rent for a full room.

   .... My Nuclear option to try to calm things down in the heat of passion .... is to think of Hillary ...... But only when absolutely necessary ... Cuz I don't want to become permanently sterile.

   Just flew in, and boy are my arms tired from punching the reclined seat in front of me.

   The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it and I deserve better.

   Status: Took vitamins in place of working out today.

   Why is it that every relationship with the best sex also comes with drama and domestic violence?

   Not unlike jury duty, every American eventually gets a letter in the mail indicating that it's their turn to feud with Taylor Swift.

   If you tweet as a couple and split up, she gets custody of all the followers. That's the way it works. He might get a RT on weekends.

   There's nothing quite like that moment when your toddler comes for a cuddle, looks deep into your eyes, and sneezes directly into your face.

   Legally you can add your name to the cast of any IMDB entry as long as you end it with "(uncredited)".

   I want a Matthew McConaughey Lincoln commercial mixed with a Wild Turkey commercial where he's just wasted driving around talking to himself.

   If you ever feel useless just know that someone out there is a lifeguard at an Olympic swimming event

   Rio 2016 Olympic officials change the name of "Zika" to "Zikachu" and now everyone wants to catch it.

   Watching swimming isn't really that exciting and you know it.

   Christian Rock Bands: Fooling me with their peppy intros since 1995.

   Olympics Fun Fact: Each athlete gets one "do over" per Olympics.

   My money tree is also dying. No wonder I'm broke.

   Not saying I'm lazy but my computer was running slow today so I closed all the open tabs and found one that was still logged into an AOL chat room.