Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lester Holts patience was the real loser of the debate

   Can you imagine creepy lips Donald Trump trying to force himself on you? Ugh

   You know how old I am? It used to be normal to order something and have to wait six to eight weeks to get it.

   as we get older we begin to enter the Metallic Age.....we get silver in our hair, gold in our teeth and lead in our pants!

   It is never greener on the other side, especially IF you take good care of your own lawn and take time to appreciate it!!!

   I can't listen to "Right Now" by Van Halen anymore, because all I can think of is Crystal Clear Pepsi.

   The best way to keep your kids out of hot water is to put some dishes in it.

   makes mistakes but the only difference between my mistakes and yours is that I learn from mine...

   I wonder if Samuel L. Jackson reads his lines in all CAPS.

   You see that box with the fb pictures by the top right corner? The day I see any of my friends pictures in it, I'm screwed.

   I have to put my belt on with a boomerang.

   My life is like watching The 3 Stooges in spanish

   wears my glasses to the liquor store in an effort to appear responsible

   Surprised someone hasn't capitalized on a workout video for these sign holders.

   I don't like bragging, hipsters, but wearing ugly clothes that don't fit was my thing in 3rd grade. Also dumb glasses and bad music.

   my smart phone is the dumbest in its class!

   A secret is something you tell to one person at a time.

   When you've tried everything within your power and ability, sometimes the only thing left is to say good-bye.

   Ladies you should start a revolution like the bra burnings in the 60's only I say pantie burnings this time around.

   On this day, 25 years ago, Geraldo Rivera opened Al Capone's vault. WTF is he still working?