Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My buddy got a cheap hooker. He paid ten dollars and woke up the next day with crabs. He saw the hooker and complained. She said, "Whattya want for ten bucks, lobster?!"

   What’s the opposite of terrorism? Atheism.

   Confucius say: "Young girl who go fishing with Biden come home with red snapper."

   Hey Lady gaga! Madonna called, she wants her style back.

   Hey, Don't blame me, I voted for the white dude!

   All women have smart genes inside them at one point or another, hower 85% of them spit them back out

   AOC = arrogant obnoxious chick

   next time someone calls you answer "Canadian Abortion Clinic, where no fetus can beat us"

   ✓ Adolf Hitler, ✓ Saddam Hussein, ✓ Osama Bin Laden, ☐ Mother-In-Law

   Do you wanna know how Interesting Soccer is to the Average American? Let's See, I'll name the two soccer players I've ever heard of.. David Beckham and.. I think Rod Stewart Played years ago."

   Wondering If Adam and Eve had belly buttons....

   The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm and asked for a thin and crusty supreme.They sent me Diana Ross

   Wait, you're telling me that if I kill off and entire culture and take credit for discovering a land I in no way discovered,I'll get a random Monday in October off from work? Only in America!..... Happy Columbus day!!

   It's called cocaine and you dont want no part of this sh!t...It turns all your bad feelings into good feelings. It's a nightmare

   today I : 1. asked old people for directions and deliberately walked the opposite way... 2. asked very obese people which gym they used...

   I'm sorry, I'm about to lose you because I'm about to drive into a tunnel in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.

   using the copy machine at work today. Thought to myself, "Gee, this thing reminds me of men. It's only good for reproduction."

   whoever said Kentucky can beat an NBA team needs to go hide under a rock..

   loves when people just click the 'like' button on a thread of comments cause they're too lazy to add another comment

   Children grow up so fast. One day they're taking their 1st steps, the next they're taken away after a judge rules you're a negligent parent.