Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Doesn't feel bad for Hugh Hefner one bit and never will.

   Lightning strike at Caylee Anthonys memorial 'could be a sign from the angels'

   I hate when they print out a receipt and there's an option for Tip before you put the Total Charge. I'm not going to tip you just because you printed out my receipt!

   Dear Heart, Please stop breaking, you weren’t made in China.

   A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

   We were actually 36th in math and 24th in reading. This is still nothing to be proud of but it still thought I should make it accurate.

   Too bad you can't afford to straighten those fcuked up chompers. Nice tat's though...

   Luke Skywalker never found a girlfriend because he was looking for love in Alderaan places.

   Everything You Have Ever Asked God For Is In Your Environment, Merely Awaiting Your Recognition Of It.

   if it gets any colder britney spears will have to wear underwear

   Two wrongs doesnt make a right...but three rights make a left.

   misssing his ex...... but his aim is getting better!

   | That whale grabbed the trainer by the ponytail and took her under. That is why that advice to, "remember when working with seafood, to always wear a hair net" is so important.

   tis' better to be pissed off than pissed on....

   The only problem I have with Halloween is making those stupid skeletons stay in the closet where they belong!

   Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.

   Who wrote the book of love? Who cares!? It was probably a woman that had unreachable expectations anyway.

   I wonder how we know to eat eggs,did someone say"see that chicken over there, I'm goin eat the 1st thing that comes outta its butt"

   Bedbugs have been found in government buildings in Washington D.C. I can’t believe they have to deal with those blood-sucking pests. Poor bedbugs.

   Even as a baby, I was straight. I loved titties then and I love them today.