Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wife: He's not the same man I married. Husband: No, he had a much younger wife.

   At what age do we start saying Congratulations instead of "OH CRAP" when someone says they are pregnant ?

   “This mattress looks nice…” “Feel free to test it out, sir.” *curls up on mattress and cries for 10 minutes* “I’ll take it.”

   FYI,,,, My grandma hides blue cookies in the back of her toilet.

   When I die, keep it simple. Just launch me into space while Elton John plays "Rocket Man" on a glass piano and Maya Angelou reads my statuses

   Sometimes I wonder if the weird guy I work with thinks I am the weird guy.

   Love isn't real until one of you is on meds.

   It's not my fault I'm dyslexic, it's in my NDA.

   Forget having a gun or a knife. If you want to rob me, just threaten to throw glitter on my clothes.

   Dear Americans, you think Obama is bad? google 'Jacob Zuma' - South Africans

   I just put my left hand in the friend zone

   I hate people who write things on the internet that are passive-aggressively focused on a single person. You know who you are.

   When all the women of twitter's periods finally synch, the world is over.

   Me: *places anti-diarrheal medication on checkout counter... Cashier: "Would you like a bag?"... Me: "No, I'll just go at home."

   Bernie Sanders talks a lot of about free government programs, he's just wondering who will pay for his medications?

   Kiss me I'm Irish, put a little tongue in it, I'm French too.

   My neighbor stopped me while I was mowing to brag about his new mower, I said thats all good and well but I still have a bigger deck...

   I've decided to become Transhandicap so I can park anywhere I want too.

   When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.

   So ummmm I wonder if Bruce Jenner will get a discount from the Kardashian make up and hair line