Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know how you sometimes hear something pop loudly in the microwave? That's the camera bulb flashing.

   New chapters in The Art of the Deal sequel: 1) Insult Your Way to an Unpassable Health Bill. 2) Build the Wall and Make Mexico Pay Nothing.

   It's amazing how a single terd can shut down a water park.

   Did you hear about the Egyptian King that went to College and studied plumbing.. graduated a Pharaoh faucet Major.

   Celebrities: quit selling guns. No one needs gun beside my bodyguard

   I start wearing an earring when my wife found it in our bed.

   Last night I ordered my whole dinner in French. Even the waiter was impressed, because it was a Chinese restaurant.

   If I were a cosmetic surgeon my slogan would be, "We can change your bottom line"

   Sometimes I stay awake at night wondering… How long did it take Cinderella and the Prince to realize you can’t base a relationship on shoe size.

   We all have that one friend that makes us laugh with their stupidity.

   You are limited by what you settle for.

   I don't want to be mean and "block" you, so just close your eyes when I post, like I do, when I see YOUR pic. Thanks :)

   Canadians watch US politics like Americans watch Jersey Shore.

   I woke up drunk , so I kept drinking !

   Sex is good… the monks made a mistake; the ancient document says, “Celebrate,” not “Celibate!”

   Thought about hitting the gym today but I called ahead and they said the shake weight is still out of service so screw that.........

   Truth, Justice and emptybeercan way!

   2012....I'm leaving some people in 2011

   feeling more lazy that the guy who invented the Flamethrower "I wanna set that on fire way over there, but I dont wanna get up"

   it looks like the word "horseplay" has taken on a whole new meaning and has been essentialy ruined for life...thanks Sandscumsky