Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am terrified of women who refer to pets as their "kids" and themselves as "mommy"

   I ordered a pizza for dinner. The pizza guy says "Do you want it cut into 6 slices or 8 slices?" I said "Better make it 6. I don't think I can eat 8."

   At the end of the day Canada is still just Canada.

   Look at the evil people in the world, Saddam Hussein, Hitler, Stalin what do they all have in common? Mustaches

   I want anything with a Yankee emblem on it taken down for I am offended..

   If you really hate Trump, vote in four years otherwise shut up for now.....

   The difference between Andrew Cuomo and Osama Bin Laden is Cuomo kiIIed more New Yorkers.

   Would these Hillary supporters just drop dead already?

   Hmmmm Learned today that the Obama Administration has given Mexico $75 Million to build a wall along Mexico's Southern Border!!! Question: What part of "We need to secure the AMERICAN Border" does Mr. Obama and Hillary NOT understand?

   It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is only remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.

   The best part about Crocs is you can wear them in the bathtub while you write the note then drop in the toaster.

   Dinosaurs probably just killed themselves because the Flintstones used them as dishwashers.

   I’m not really into the idea of letting a set of made up ancient rules dictate my life. Hell I'm not real keen modern laws telling me what I can and cannot do!

   Bernie Sanders announced that he loves selfies. He just hasn't figured out how to take them on his rotary phone.......

   The NC laws prevents male pervs from prying on women in the ladies room. Nothing to do with gay rights.

   I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

   his girlfriend has a black belt in cooking.... one chop and your dead

   •If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

   Am I the only one that uses the bristles on an esclalator to brush your shoes?

   after being put up for adoption at birth, I am looking forward to finally meeting my half sisters Patricia, and Oprah.