Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ten folded ones in my left pants pocket, four buffalo chicken wings bones in my right pants pocket and empty mini bottles scattered around the house... apparently I had fun last night.

   Saying “oh!” like you get it. But you still have no idea.

   When will the US State Department recognize the Man vs Food nation

   I know that I'm worth the wait. If you can't be patient and wait for me then I know you're not worth it.

   Facebook needs a "People you need to delete" list....

   I got an e-mail saying '"At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!" I'm thinking, that's just spam.

   There's never a hobo around when you really need your windshield cleaned

   Man who sinks into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.

   It's pretty cowardly to put a ding in someone's car door without at least leaving a note scratched into the paint, such as, "LOL! --->"

   So you say Red Bull just isn't enough kick for you anymore. How about I set you on fire? That will get you up and moving. For a bit anyway.

   there a national do-not-call list for friends and family yet?

   I hate using an air freshener I really like in the bathroom. Cuz after awhile, no matter where you use it, its always gonna smell like sh!t.

   The price of books is ridiculous! We should at least get the teacher's edition for that price, dang...a free puppy wouldn't hurt either.

   If you give me a hug and you smell good you might need to dislodge my mouth from your neck.

   Dear Lord.....Please lead the NFL out of this referee lockout and deliver us scab free officiating. Amen.

   Whenever I ask my wife if she has a minute, she thinks it's because I'm horny.

   Just imagine if Usain Bolt was your father and you were trying to run away from a beating.

   I am paranoid with an inferiority complex.. I fear that no one is following me..

   Knowing that you don't understand women is understanding women. Thanks Socrates.

   In case you were wondering how desirable I am, I once won 2nd place in a beauty pageant. OK, it was while I was playing Monopoly but it still counts dammit.