Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm looking forward to avoiding spending time with you

   I'm starting to think none of you have résumés.

   Relationships can only have one emotionally unstable person, and I am always that person.

   I bet the first junkies that signed up for instagram must have been disappointed !

   Sometimes the grass appears greener on the other side, only because there's a lot more bullsh*t being tossed around.

   Finding a bottle with a message in it is kinda cool but don't open a bottle with yellowish liquid in it you found on the side of the highway.... I learned this the hard way.

   "I'll have what she's halving." - Divorce Lawyers

   I'm convinced some people are so dead inside that if you cut them they'd bleed black.

   I hear you knocking at my door. You thinking I'm going to answer it is your second mistake.

   Facebook relationships are like flowers. They die in a day or two.

   PSA-When in a waiting room here are a couple of pointers: no one wants to hear you convo about getting the 'cream' for your itch and 2. turn your ringer DOWN, we don't want to hear 'your baby got back' ringtone.

   We are trying to prevent bots, so please enter this completely unreadable captcha.

   Why do people with the most to say contribute the least???

   Age isnt a number clearly its a word

   The neighbors dog is thankful I'm not drunk enough to discharge a firearm in the city limits. yet.

   I can't wait for Tupac's next album

   I just want to live in a world where I don't have to pay for extra cheese let alone even have to ask for it.... *my mom

   If I'm am ever wronged, I expect you to avenge me. So be ready.

   If you can't handle me at my worst you're probably good at setting boundaries.

   I'd love to hear about your weekend plans just give me a second to put on my airplane neck pillow.