Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make .... Then they call me ..... ugly and broke.

   There are cartons of milk in my fridge that lasted longer than Paul Ryan.

   Happy 70th, Donald. Don't forget to take a little time out to think about yourself today. Oh and make sure you get some cake before Chris Christie gets there!

   Victoria Secret Fashion Show is on, all girls are depressed right now.

   this fat free dinner taste like sadness!

   There’s no relationship problem that a good tickle fight can’t solve.

   Didn't the volleyball in Castaway win an Oscar?

   I pondered the meaning of life once, but then I just went back to living it.

   Facebook is just like soap opera, meanlingless and trival BS...

   Enjoy your morning, if I am not back in a couple of hours, send a search party and what I mean by party is.. bring beer. . .

   I don't think women like flowers, they just like seeing how dumb men are "this guy is actually spending money to buy a plant we won't eat?"

   I was excited about spending some time on my treadmill this morning, but I don't know where I put my roller-blades. ugh.

   Thanks for the sex but next time can I participate?

   When I notice a stranger eavesdropping on my conversation I get really excited because for once someone other than my beer can is listening!

   "Mom, when do spiders learn that if they come in our house, they'll die?"

   Auto correct just changed my ex's name to deceitful sh*t talking money grubbing never in the mood for sex b*tch Weird

   the irony is a group of blacks picked the white cotton guy out.....for life

   I just lost all my phone contacts so please don't send me yours!

   You think she's hot?you should of seen the one that got away.

   Fact: People that don't like pizza are on a most wanted list somewhere.